intoxicating addiction

yes, i'm addicted to my intoxicating lil' baby boy. looking at him makes me feel so proud and warm-hearted... his big-doey eyes, lil' button nose, his gleeful laughter and his intoxicating addictive scent. the bond we have is strong and affectionate, making me a proud mother. but he no longer seems to be a little baby... he has grown so much in these past few months, i wish i could slow things down and stop him from growing up too fast! of course that would be impossible as nature intends the opposite way... all i can do is cherish those lovely moments i have had with him and look forward to the new cute things that he's going to do.

it's impossible to be bored with my lil' baby dinosaur... every day he can come up (unintentionally, obviously) with funny antics, and no matter how tired or moody i am, looking at his silly grin melts everything away. i guess this is what they call, LOVE. even watching him sleep is entertaining! =D

part of me wants him to start walking or talking but another part of me doesn't. what can i expect when he reaches the stage? will he be walking and bumping into everything? or when he starts to talk, what will he be saying? and when his brain starts to mature and develope further, what should we be teaching him? different languages? maths? haha... we obviously want him to be a smart boy... or should we just let him develope on his own while we guide him as he learns? being responsible for the little is not easy!

what a dull birthday

5th february 2006 marks my 23rd birthday but man, was it dull! no celebration... no presents... (well except ang paus from me daddee and mummee)... no cards... just sweet birthday messages from friends and family and a morning birthday song from hubby.. haha... actually now that i've compiled it, it doesn't sound so bad now does it?
at least it's my first birthday with my little baby khalis... of course he doesn't know what day it is, it just feels special to experience something with him for the very first time... a special day with the usual cries to soothe and tantrums to calm... motherhood does not understand nor have the chance to sit and relax (or have a great birthday celebration for that matter), i have to accept that...
but growing up celebrating each of my birthday makes it hard not to... maybe i'm also getting a little to old for big celebrations anyway... and besides, hubby never really thrives on celebrations, heck, he even forgets his own! =D
well i guess this year marks the beginning of no big birthday celebrations and many more quiet ones to come... hhmm... at least i still have my hubby and lil khalis to go through them... maybe it'll be different when he gets older and understand a little bit more about mummy's infatuation with celebrating birthdays! haha.. we'll see... we'll see... =)

my baby, the lil' dinosaur

baby khalis is about 7 months old now... curious lil' boy... explores and destroys everything that comes into his path... it's amazing how he finds things to put into his mouth.. we've found tissue pieces, paper, anything that can be torn apart.. he'll be happily chewing them.. he really loves to play with things that aren't suppose to such as our remote control, eyewears, handphones, PDAs.. the list goes on. he's even left his little teeth mark on my brand new mobile phone! =D sentimental value i guess...
don't be fooled by his big-eyed adorable look... he can be a grumpy, cranky lil dinosaur! complains a whole lot before falling asleep... 'flies' around when he's in his walker... he'll be grunting and screaming with his arms outstretched... sigh... what a sight...
he just cannot stay still! i think the moment he does, it's a signal something's wrong.. hehe.. he likes to crawl all over the place and climb onto people.. stepping on our tummies and pinching our faces! curious i tell you... but i love it when he looks straight at you and tries to 'kiss' you on your nose or chin, though it usually ends up with slobber! =D

Half a year

It's already new year 2006 and Baby Khalis is now 6 and a half months! He can get up on all fours and leaps forward like a froggie. Learning to coordinate his and hands and legs and is beginning to crawl properly. His fourth tooth is visible and he already has 2 big bunny teeth and a little tooth on the bottom (which was the very first tooth to appear.)
He's able to pull himself up when he's sitting in his cot. Argh! He's growing up too fast! I kinda miss those times when he wasn't able to move as much. When he could only look at me and grin and he was all mine to carry and nurture...
I remember how small he was when he was born. The first time the nurse put his small cot beside my bed, I was overcome by a feeling of joy and awe. How can a little person, so tiny and helpless catches your breath and keeps you fixated? The magic of a newborn...
As the hours and days went by, the feeling became too overwhelming, making me a little depressed. Baby blues they call it. I was confined to my privacy. I needed to take it slow and breath. My little bundle of joy was not as I had expected. But then again, what was I expecting? Thankfully, he slept a lot and is a contented baby. Adjusting to motherhood was tough and there were times when I wonder if I was doing it right.
Now, my tiny baby has grown into a lil 'dinosaur'. His cheeks, thighs, arms and tummy are filled up! =D He grunts and squeals when he wants your attention. Can be a bit grumpy every now and then.. just like his daddee!
I'm happy and proud that my son is developing well and we are able to bring him up in a proper environment; considering we don't get a lot of help from others, just an advice here and there, which suits us just fine)
He can be a handful these days, but he makes us happy with his cheekiness. Never failing to thrill us with his new abilities and with his every smile! =)

i'm so pissed

i dun understand what is the big issue when it comes to money.. can it really change a person; or in this case, the whole family? because of this our family is in a turmoil, making our 'Queen' turn against the people who have been there for her... All because of her dear prince and his evil companion.
i found out or should i say realize how oppurtunistic my family members can be. and if you're a man, please.. own up to your faults because there isn't anyone to blame them on but you. how could you be so cold hearted towards the one person whom you've shared your marriage vows with? who shared the good and worst with you? who stood by you and swallowed her pride even with your infidelity? and in turn, you caused her emotional and physical pain.
dun tell me it's a man thing to do what you did and please, i'm no longer a child so don't treat me like one. you don't have to clarify your business with me i don't think i would want to know. what can say? i'm a chang. even with my new muslim name and a new way of life i will always be a chang. unfortunate? it wasn't like this before. now, i totally despise you for what you have done and what the other family members have said. how could you people be so heartless?
so once again, can money really change a person?

time flies, time flies

it's true what they say; time flies when u have a baby...
my lil prince is now 5 months old! he can roll on his tummy on his own, grabs things near him and shoves them into his mouth =D.. he smiles a lot too.. melts me everytime he does that...
started him on solids on sunday and he seems to be enjoying it though it tastes horrible! haha..
well what can i say? i'm enjoying myself and i think i'm doing a pretty good job bringing up my baby, seeing that i get minimal help; which is what i prefer anyway.. no parents or in-laws or any other relatives to 'butt' in and tell me what to do and what not to do... my mum did 'advice' me in the beginning and i kinda shut her up... not that i'm mean but everything she said were pretty taboo and didn't quite make sense to me... hehe..
the typical chinese beliefs and superstitions u know.. and i'm not the type who will follow all those ' craps'... u have to listen to the things she says to understand what i'm talking about..haha.. i know she's my mum and she's brought up 3 kids but she had her chance didn't she? i think i pretty have my own opinions and choices.. =)

for my son

My baby, my lil prince..
i didn't love you in the beginning.. sure i adored you but i was afraid to express my love for you cuz i wasn't sure i did... But i went through with my responsibilities.. i fed you, bathed you, changed you.. they became a routine and yet i didn't feel the love for you. It felt more like a responsibility.. You were MY responsibility...
All you did was cry and poop... and you were response-less... yet you took away my sleep, you took away my strength, you took away my freedom. you gave me pain, you gave me tears and you gave me misery...
i wanted to get away from you... from your cries... i wanted to give up nursing you because of the unbearable pain.. yet i couldn't... i felt guilty for wanting to abandon God's precious gift... i wanted you and i was blessed to have you... i couldn't just leave...
Now i can't help falling in love with you! Seeing you grow in front of my eyes makes it all worth it. My world is filled with joy... when you smile, when you look into my eyes and give me your biggest toothless grin... you melt my heart everytime you do that... i even enjoy hearing you cry, knowing that you need me and all the things that assure me that you will be ok and you will be very well loved...

the first few weeks

i was discharged from the hospital 2 days after delivery and i had to have a crash course on how to breastfeed! Man, it was not easy. But baby khalis had to readmit cuz there was 'blood' in his urine and a bit of jaundice. It turns out that it wasn't blood, just crystalites and his jaundice was low so don't need to go for phototherapy... phew...
breastfeeding is the toughest thing to do when u're new at it. i was frustrated and itchy all over (apparently i terkena some fungal from the hospital bed).. didn't sleep much either... was totally exhausted.. thank God baby khalis is not the crying type. he sleeps a lot during the day and night... =)

time for myself

haven't had the time for myself for the past 3 months... sigh... having a baby is no easy task! all the round the clock feeding, diaper changing, putting him for his naps... but the best reward is when he looks you in the eyes and gives you his happiest grin. it melts my heart everytime baby khalis does that. he may cry when he's cranky (usually when he's sleepy) but the moment he smiles it just takes ur troubles away...
he's getting bigger now.. heavier too... =) and he talks a lot. we can have a really long 'conversation' when he's in the mood... cooing and gurgling and believe it or not, mooing.. haha... he responds well when i moo... funny lil fella.
i had to take a break and since hubby wasn't working yesterday, i made him take care of our baby and i went for a facial! haha.. it was the most relaxing moment i had in months! i was more at ease and wasn't losing it when he cried.. i know hubby was gonna tear his scalp off.. how mean of me leaving him alone with the baby but i had to before i go crazy! =)

baby's arrival

i'm finally home from the hospital.. i was there fer almost a week!
was admitted on the 7th cuz i tot my water broke and i was so excited bout going into labor. unfortunately, it was just a false alarm! haha.. but my doc suggested i stay to be monitored and so i did... then, on the 9th while i was relaxing on my bed after lunch, i felt this gush and whoa! it just kept on dribbling! that was when i knew my water has officially broken!
then it was another round of waiting game... waited for my contractions the whole day! they never came...
i was admitted into the labor ward at about 11 sunday morning where the doctor inserted a tablet to help trigger contractions to dilate my cervix... the pain only came bout 6 hrs later... so i was lying there bored out of my mind. n since my contractions were irregular, i had to have oxytocin drips to regulate them... sigh.. i was getting impatient, all i wanted to do was get the baby out!
i opted for an all naturale birth.. no anesthetics, no epidural.. haha.. but my baby's heart couldn't take it.. everytime i get a strong contraction, his heartbeat goes flying up to 200! then come down to 80! i was freaking out watching the monitor.. in the end bout 9pm the doc says i had to go for emergency c-section cuz my cervix only dilated 3cm! goodness...
so in the end i was wheeled into the operating theatre where my baby came screaming at 10.35pm... i was freezing cold and groggy but relieved...

another week!

just another week! wow.. doesn't feel like i've been pregnant that long.. =D
had a scare last week when my baby didn't move much.. went to the doctor's but thank God everything's ok now.. the bad news is my cervix hasn't dilated one bit... and well i think i might have to induce if i dun go into labor after next week.. sigh... have to wait some more! haha..
i really want to give birth right now! amer and i are really looking forward to our firstborn.. and all this waiting just feels so slow! =D
well just another 7 days or more to go... patience... patience... ;D

anytime now...

well well well..... i've reached my 37th week! ohmigosh!
went for my checkup today and the doctor says that my baby has dipped real low and well, i can go into labor anytime now... just waiting...
had a real painful braxton hicks contraction today... and a long one.. yup that's an early sign of the real thing... *shudder*... gosh.. trying not to think so much bout it.. hehe.. dun wanna freak out now...

paranoid alert

yes yes.. it's one of those times when everything gets u paranoid.. hehe.. i'm talking bout me baby of course...
he wasn't moving much since last night and i got pretty worried.. went to the hospital to double check if everything's fine and well it is.. haha.. sigh.. thank God..
he is moving but just not as much as usual.. well just as long as he's moving, it should be fine... the funny thing is his head is not as low as yesterday.. my doctor did a vaginal check on me and boy it was painful! haha.. the bottom line is, my membranes are not ripe enough to go into labor.. so it's just not time for him to come out! =D even though every inch of my body is screaming 'come out now!!! right this moment!!' haha.. not much point to induce either.. so i'll just have to wait and wait....
just another 2 weeks to go... i guess i'll just relax for now.. enjoy what's left of my wonderful pregnancy and wait for the arrival of my lil bundle of joy....